It seems like a normal sad Holiday for me.  Son number one and his drug problem are constantly on my mind.  I feel he has gotten so bad lately that he is on track to lose his job and his life.

So given that intro,  where is there to go from there.  This has been an ongoing problem for over 30 years.  I could write a book about the sorrows I have endured over the past three decades.

I am in a deep funk much of the time.  MY mind cannot get away from the fact that a young man who had so much potential allowed drugs to destroy his life.

There have been multiple trips to rehabs.  And periods of time that he has controlled his urges and stayed clean for as much as 11 months. But the deep darkness of the addiction always resurfaces.

He has been prescribed meds for bi polar, and they seem to help his mood. But he does not take them as he should.  He is in constant search of the next high.  

Because of this,  I have not had one moment of peace, joy or contentment in my life for over 30 years.  And of course one looks back to the past and wonders.  Did I do something to set him on this path of destruction?  

I do not think so. He is an adopted child, the product of a drug addicted natural mother.  And back when we took him into our home to love and raise. The big debate was between "Nature"  and "Nurture"   Back then the consensus was that Nurture would be a more powerful determinant.

I have now learned that is not the case.  The one time, one thing, a priest told me that was truth was when we took Matt to be baptized and the priest said to us. " you know you don't know anything about where this child came from,  you do not know what problems you may have to deal with because of it"

I only wish I could have seen down the road back then,  but I doubt that we would have changed our mind about this baby that we brought home to love and care for.

And he was an amazing child.  I saw no evidence of "drug issues"  in him as a child.  He was an excellent student and athlete, until he found alcohol, and drugs soon followed.   He is a hard worker still and everyone likes him.  He has just thrown away his life for a quick high. And he has no self control over his actions or his urges.  

So here we are 51 years later, and I dread answering the phone or the door, not knowing if it will be the call that I dread coming.

I would caution anyone against adoption because of what we have been through with this child of ours.   But we also have an adopted daughter,  who has not given us any problems her entire life, and is a constant help to us.   WE also have two natural children ,  both doing well, and only minor teenage problems that were not so enormous that they kept them from becoming responsible adults.


Every holiday seems to be filled with sadness for me because of Matt's life choices or his life's urges.  I don't think he can help himself. Which is the nature of drug addiction, I guess.  WE have ceased to help him with any financial support ,  but we have always been here to love him.

SO SAD.